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Jokes
Assorted Jokes
A Woman′s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day he came round and asked her to come closer! As she sat by him her husbands eyes full of tears whispered: You′ve been with me through the bad times. When I got tired you supported me. When my business failed you were there for me. When we lost the house you still stayed. When my health started to fail you were still by my side. Do you know what! - What, my dear she gently replied smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
I think you′re bad luck the husband replied, why don′t you just get lost!
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A man gets blind drunk one night and is sick all down his shirt. On no he says, my wife is going to kill me. Don′t worry his mate replies. Just stick a 20 note in your pocket and tell her someone threw up all over you and slipped a 20 in your pocket for the dry cleaning bill.
So the men carry on drinking and get even drunker. Eventually, the first man gets home and his wife starts to nag. You reek of alcohol and you′ve been sick all over yourself. Speaking very carefully, so as not to slur, the man says I can explain everything dear. This drunken bloke vomited all over me and gave me a slipped a 20 note to cover the cleaning bill.
His wife looks in his shirt pocket, but there are two notes here that′s 40? Yeah the man replied he peed in my pants too?
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A drunk telephones the Police to report that thieves have broken into his car.
They′ve stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, and even the accelerator he cries.
So the Police send an officer to the scene.
Oh it′s OK the drunk says with a hiccup when the policeman arrives. I got in the back by mistake.
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A wife said to her husband, What do you mean by coming home half drunk!
He replied, it′s not my fault I ran out of Money!
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Joe′s Dad picked him up from school. Knowing all the parts for the school play were chosen that day! He asked his son if he got a role! Joe announced he indeed had, I play a man who has been married for twenty years.
Thats great son, says his Father, next time they might give you a speaking part!
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What is a Young Man′s most embarrasing moment!
When he walks into a wall (with an erection) and breaks his nose!
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A small fellow walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog crap! He got up cleaned himself then walks to the bar and orders a drink.
A giant of a man then comes into the bar, same thing happens, he too slips on the pile of dog crap! He also in turn gets up and cleans himself down, then moves to the bar and also orders a drink.
The small fellow nods to him and comments, Oh I just did that my friend!
The giant of a man then beat the small fellow!
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As the health inspector made his way around the bakery, he saw an employee pressing the pie edges down using his thumbs! Hey you he calls out, don′t you have a tool for doing that! Yes sure replies the young employee, but I use that for putting the holes in the doughnuts!
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What is the definition of trust!
Two cannibals having oral sex!
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A young girl runs out to the garden, to her Dad, she asks him, whats sex!
At first the father is shocked, but upon thought, thinks it best to be honest! He explains with a deep breath all about the birds and the bees! By the time he is finished, the daughter is wide eyed indeed!
Why did you want to know this asks the Dad!
Because Mum said to tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs she replied!
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In England they have round mint sweets called polo mints. These mints have holes through the middle of them. Loose ladies of the night, are nic named polo as it′s said, they make a mint out of their holes!
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She was only the Fish Mongers Daughter, but she could lay in her Plaice and say Fillet!
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She was only the Post Masters Daughter. But she got plenty Male through her Box!
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I was chatted up by a young lady the other day. She had me all a fluster, she must have been a third my age! She managed to talk me into going with her into the local country fields! The excitement of it all was way to much and I got all confused. Next thing I know I was arrested for streaking! The police would not beleive my story and were in fits of laughter!
I kept telling them how she got me to strip, as naked as she had then been, but then she told me to go to town!
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I went to the doctors, he sent me to see a Head Shrink. Problem was I kept getting an urge, to put my manhood into the bacon slicer where I worked! The head shrink failed to help me. I could not resist and gave in to temptation!
Now she is six month expectant!
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Two elderly ladies have been friends for decades. Over the years they′ve shared all kinds of adventures. But all lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times to play cards. One day, while they′re playing. One looks at the other and says, now don′t get annoyed with me. I know we′ve been friends for a long time but I just can′t remember your name. I′ve thought and thought, but I can′t remember, your name, please tell me what it is. Her friend ponders over this for a good five minutes. Finally, she replies, how soon do you need to know?
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Upon hearing her elderly Grandfather had passed away, young Julie rushes to her Grandmothers to offer comfort. When she asks how her Grandfather died, her grandmother explained that he had a heart attack from making love on Sunday mornings. Horrified Julie tells her that two people aged nearly 100 years, having sex would surely bring on a heart attack. On no my dear her Grandmother replied, many years ago we realising our advancing age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells started ringing It was just the right rhythm. Nothing to strenuous in with the ding out on the dong. She paused and wiped away a tear then continued. And if it had not been for that damn ice cream van that came along, your granddad would still be alive.
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A penguin driving through Arizona on a hot summer′s day when he realises his car is leaking oil. So he finds a service station and asks the mechanic to check his car over. He′s asked to leave it an hour and call back. Meanwhile the Penguin went for a walk and had a large ice cream. His short little arms ensure the ice cream is all over his face. Returning to the Garage ice cream all over his face, he asks what was wring with the car. The mechanic replied, looks like you′ve blown a seal. No, no says the penguin it′s just ice cream.
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English man Oh I kiss my wife′s neck, when making love, she rises off the floor two inches or more?
French man, I kiss my Wife′s feet when making love, she rises a foot of the bed?
Italian man I kiss my Wife′s naval when making love, and she simply floats
Irish man, I wipe myself on the bed clothes after sex, my Wife hits the fuc*ing roof?
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Daddy knocks a small deer over with his car and kills it out right?
No sign of injury so he reasons good meat waste not want not.
He takes it home and gets his wife to cook this.
He′s terrified to tell the kids what sort of meat it really is in case of upset?
Little Daughter says this is nice meat daddy what′s it called?
Oh say′s daddy, it′s what mum calls me quite often?
Older son throws cutlery down spits food out
He screams to young sister, don′t eat it, it′s a fuc*ing arsehole?
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